The Duffling Collection

with audio by Jordon Hodges

Deep under the ice, frozen stiff as a bone

A crashed NASA space rover carrier drone

   

It’s fifty miles down, covered in extraterrestrial slime

It’s an interesting story, but perhaps another time…

   

This tale’s about a monster called Abominable Phil

And to get down to him’s a hundred miles deeper still

   

Past furlongs of ice, leagues of cold solid stone

He thaws a bit every year, when he’ll be back is unknown

   

Epochs ago, eons in fact

His steps shook the Earth like a comet’s impact

   

The size of Alaska, with eyelashes that could smash a duplex!

Whenever he got hungry he would eat a T-Rex!

   

His footstep caused the crater we now call Hudson Bay

He once kicked down a mountain because it was in his way

   

He was peaceful enough –walked around rather sedately

At least he was way back when… I can’t speak for him lately…

with audio by Jordon Hodges

From the dark Sea-Serpent Seas to the coves of Mare’s Tail

A braver crew of explorers has never set sail

 

Minstrels from Harpy Rock to the Edge Territories

All called them ‘The Misfits’ when they sang their stories

 

There was Bunsen the scientist, up early each day

Exploring new plants was his personal forte

 

Brock: the strongman; his loyalty he often proved

His job was to move things when they needed moved

 

Serge: a martial arts master who’d never lost a single bout

Who always came in handy when there were pirates about

 

Starling: the magic voodoo priestess from the Isle of Drue

You say you doubt her powers? She can prove them to you

 

Think of any number you’d like with three digits the same

Add the digits together then loudly proclaim…

 

That number divided back into the first (what a bore)

But your new number’s thirty-seven –question Starling no more

 

There was Ragtagson the skill-less, who’d joined up on a whim

(He simply fit in nowhere else; so the crew welcomed him)

 

And Bullseye: The archer, who just once thought he might have been outshot

(It turned out to be his own arrow that he’d shot then forgot)

 

And the bravest explorer of all, Captain Cutlass they call her

Great leader, fearless fighter, a lady and a scholar

 

But the mood was quite somber on the Misfits’ ship that day

Nobody breathing a word as they pulled into Grog Bay

 

They’d explored the whole globe! And were now back where they’d started!

Those moldy docks of Grog Bay; the very place they’d departed!

 

But it was Starling the priestess with a trick up her sleeve

A spell that would remove their reason to grieve

 

With a few magic words and some levitation powder

Their ship lifted from the water (I warned you not to doubt her)

 

Up into the stars and so far past the sun!

Their adventure wasn’t over, it had just begun.

The man who forged Excalibur was great at making swords

And many great composers have excelled at notes and chords

 

But they all pale in comparison to one man and his craft

To call him less than fabled would be nothing short of daft

 

He’s the firework grandmaster – old as the wind and trees

The calendar on his wall is not in months but dynasties

 

His bright flashes and flurries are anything but dim!

And he makes them all with colors that are known only to him!

 

You can’t buy his fireworks in any store there is

He sneaks them in at random, no one knows which ones are his

 

And for those who chance to see one of his works of art

Magic things can often happen: a new joy, or change of heart

 

So the next time you’re invited to any sort of fireworks show

Just make sure you understand what you might miss if you don’t go

 

Though I wish I could advise you with a tip and friendly wink

The best advice I have?  Keep looking up; try not to blink

 

John Handit, the bandit, he was on the run

Still he danced at the barn dance; he liked to have fun

 

They kicked in the doors and around him they lined

He went quietly at first, but then changed his mind

 

He hid out by the docks down by Midnight Bay

With a jar full of fireflies lighting his way

 

It wasn’t too long ‘til they spotted him there

He ran into a lighthouse on The Edge of Nowhere

 

He spotted a bathtub with a porcelain frame

He sucked in his gut and then dove down the drain

 

He hid in a cabin out in The Abstract

But the chase it continued; his footsteps they tracked

 

Again they closed in and they broke down his door

But he hid in a memory from three days before

 

And as they searched through the closets and underneath the bed

He escaped between the lines of what was unsaid

 

He ran to The Outskirts, but their search did persist

‘Til he scrunched up so small that he ceased to exist

 

Somehow or another he was back once again

Fleeing once more on a roof of hot tin

 

They found him a fifth time and closed in rather soon

So he bent at the knees and he jumped to the moon

 

They followed him still at their own great expense

And had found him on Neptune, in the past perfect tense

 

For he’d escaped rather quickly one moment after that

Through a wormhole he kept in a beat-up top hat

 

It plopped him back down on that same ol’ dance floor

He danced a quick jig… and then ran off once more

 

 

 

Don’t forget to pre-order Rumtum the Sailor here. Thanks for your support!

 

with audio by Jordon Hodges

On the horizon an orb of bright blue

Open your eyes, can you see it too?

 

An alien spaceship, from where did it come?

A flash of bright light. A low frequency hum.

 

Will they speak our language? And what will they say?

Have they come here to take us away?

 

Will they fix all our problems and cure our disease?

Clean up the oceans and replant the trees?

 

Will they be friendly? Will they look like me?

What shows do they like when they watch TV?

 

Wait, where have they gone to? The night sky is black.

Do you think they will ever come back?

 

with audio by Jordon Hodges

Apothecary Sam at his shop in Amsterdam

Four blocks left and then a right, or just two minutes by tram

 

It’s really hard to miss, a marvel in and of itself

Up the steps then through the door, hey well look it’s Sam himself!

 

“How do you do? Hello, good day, and come on in!

Let me show you what’s in stock! Where oh where should I begin?

 

“My Elements potion? the wind and the trees

Or my Jumping Bean potion? Clear a chasm with ease

 

“This is my Time Skipper potion, but only a minute

You can finish a sprint right before you begin it!

 

“My Sensationalist potion! Spin things out of control!

Make a literal mountain from the hill of a mole!

 

“This is my Palindrome potion, never odd or even,

Make as much sense backwards as forwards no matter the season!

 

“This vile holds my Victory potion, rack up the highest score!

Of course if you play hearts or golf, your opponents score more

 

“My Fliperoo potion, make what’s up come down

Or my Punchline potion, to become the class clown…

 

“…Mixing the two together is a thing you could do

A Clown Fliperoo brew –nothing, what’s up with you?

 

“My Asyndesis potion, look it up if you must

Or my Pâte sablée potion, that’s a type of pie crust

 

“My Parking Lot potion, always find a free spot

My Theater potion, never lose track of the plot!

 

“My Old Cliché potion, like a cracker for Polly

Colloquialism potion; Say! Now you’re on the trolley!

 

“I’m out of Love potion, it really is quite a shame

But I have something that should produce an effect that’s the same…

 

“Yes, my famed Dislike serum is somewhere hereabout

Makes ‘em dislike everyone else in proportion, so it all evens out

 

“Festivity potion! Makes any day Christmas Eve!

Or Recollect potion, to remember your keys when you leave!

 

“Here, take this Long Life potion! Mix it up with Good Health!

You pick out the second, grab any vial off of that shelf!

 

“What’s that you say? You can’t tell one from the other? Can’t tell them apart?

They aren’t even marked? No label? No chart?

 

“You worry if the second doesn’t contain Good Health, then what’s the use?

Just grab any vial that you like, they’re all just apple juice.

In a most peculiar cabin, in a most peculiar woods,
Sat a most peculiar grouping of both sorts and livelihoods

There was a pessimist and an optimist, a serf and a king,
A mayfly and a druid, and a wiseman from Beijing

And a wiseguy, and a fruit bat, and a skeptic known as Tex
Even a realist, who just happened to be a Tyrannosaurus-Rex

Suddenly, with a flicker, the cabin’s lone lightbulb went out
But everybody just stayed seated and began to look about

To the king, who was the closest to the spare bulbs in the drawer
They said “You should change the lightbulb and light up the room once more”

“What am I even doing here?” said the king, “How did this come to be?
I have servants for my servants who swap out my bulbs for me.”

Turning to the serf, the king stuck up his kingly nose
He hiked up his golden crown, and brushed off his fancy clothes,

“For goodness sake I’m a king, It’s far beneath me to toil,
YOU should change the lightbulb, for I’m just far too royal”

“If THAT’s your stance,” said the serf, “If it’s THAT case you choose to bring,
Well then, I’m far too common to change a bulb that will shine upon a king”

With positions firmly taken, by both the serf and king
To the druid they turned next, to see if he would do something

“Why, I’m a druid”, he replied, “I’m aged a thousand years!
This is a task more befitting those with youth so it appears

To take some of my remaining time to change a lightbulb would be theft!
YOU should change the lightbulb, for I haven’t that much time left!”

“Time?” said the mayfly, “You’ve had a thousand years!
My whole life spans but one day, and yet I shed not such tears!

“You shout out your excuses, speak of youth, then stand there gawking,
Youth is relative! Mine passed by while you were talking!”

Yes, if excuses were shining bulbs in relation to that simplest of chores
Then that cabin in the woods would have been the brightest of all outdoors

So, to the pessimist they turned to see if he could lend a hand
For the sun would soon be setting, and darkness would grip the land

“I’m a pessimist by nature;” he claimed, “It’s a common trait and not a sin
But why bother changing the lightbulb? It’ll just burn out again.”

So to the optimist he turned, attempting his support to rally,
Saying, “YOU should change the lightbulb, this kind of thing’s right up your alley”

The optimist smiled as he replied, he was short and rather portly,
“That lightbulb doesn’t need replacing, it’ll flicker back on shortly”

To the wiseman they turned next, imploring him the bulb to fix
But it seemed he’d rather talk philosophy, literature, or politics,

Saying, “Ah that fabled screwed-in lightbulb, that socket absentee
Most men ask how many it takes, I simply ask which of you it will be

For I’m a wiseman full of knowledge I prefer to teach and not to do
I’ve studied lightbulb changing methods from here to Timbuktu

I can tell you all that’s known of lightbulbs, and I speak to you now wiseguy,
I’ll gladly teach you to change a lightbulb if you care to give it a try”

“Why’d I come on this trip?” questioned the wiseguy, “I should be at a resort, with a spa and sauna.
I ain’t changin’ no stinkin’ lightbulb, and that’s cus I just don’t wanna!”

“SOMEONE change the light bulb,” pleaded the skeptic known as Tex
“Fruit bat YOU should change the lightbulb; it’s not at all complex.”

“But I’ve no use for a new lightbulb I’m a bat, don’t you see?
YOU should change the lightbulb –I’m as blind as a me!”

“I don’t think bats are really blind,” Tex replied, “and it’s no joke or good-natured ribbing
To say that YOU should change the lightbulb as a punishment for your fibbing!”

The T-rex was last in line to face the pleas of the group,
As their shadows all got longer while the sun began to droop

He stated, “I’ve no reason, I’m a realist, I’ve the least to gain by far
My kind has gone extinct, but that’s just the way things are

I make my peace with situations, so hold no misconception,
YOU should change the lightbulb, because this one’s no exception.”

And that was it, the last had spoken, there was no further battle to be fought
Silence filled up the cabin, but a new bulb’s light did not…

Yes, in a most peculiar cabin, deep in woods of leaves and bark
Was the most peculiar group you’ll ever find… sitting in the dark.

 

Please support the Kickstarter here to help Rumtum the Sailor come to life in print!

with audio by Jordon Hodges and Natalie Hodges

Flim-Flam Potion Sam:

“Good afternoon ma’am”

 

Madam Harriet Bell:

“What do you sell?

 

“Sunflower turnip seed mead,

Does whatever you need

 

With just one vial sold

Cure the common cold

You’ll never get old

Fix an ankle that’s rolled

Trust what you’re told

A billion customers polled

Underlined its name bold!”

 

“Your pardon I beg

How can a vial fix a leg?

What studies have you viewed?

Have they been peer reviewed?

A billion seems high

Sure that’s not a lie?

This smells like food dye”

 

Flim-Flam bowing low

with his bag in stow:

“Sorry, gotta go!”

Yuri the cosmonaut, lost out in space

Forgotten completely by the human race

 

Past the Big Dipper and all the known stars

Past supernovas and giant quasars

 

Past wondrous things scientists long to see

Past planet Gliese 581-C

 

Past Yuri Nebula and its bright yellow flame

Past everything else that he got to name

 

His odds of returning to Earth are so low

Who ever said that he wanted to though?

with audio by Jordon Hodges

“I’ll tell you the tale of the Mystic of the Profound

But try to not speak too loudly there’s guards all around

 

“His name was Harlow, The Great Fortuneteller

He lived day and night in the king’s royal cellar

 

“Through the hanging colored beads and incense swirling smokes

He sat calmly there, in his royal, royal-blue cloaks

 

“He would cast magic spells and tell the future to the king

But to always know your future is quite a boring thing

 

“Late one night Harlow calmly took up his crystal ball

Tucked it into his cloaks, then passed right through the wall

 

“Into the moat he threw the ball as he passed

He’d never again know the future, just the present and past

 

“Losing his fortuneteller drove the old king insane

It’s against the law now to even whisper Harlow’s name

 

“Where’s Harlow now? Some say in the mountains planting mandrake seeds

Others say he travels around selling strings of colored beads

 

“One thing’s for sure, if the guards find him tomorrow, if he’s caught and convicted

At least it will be something new and exciting that he never predicted

 

“To escape all the king’s guards? There’s really little chance he succeeds

Oh by the way I forgot to ask, would you care to buy some beads?