with audio by Jordon Hodges
Mr. Thurston Smith-Schuster McMumMum the Third
Collector of all of which you’ve ever heard
Forget baseball cards, stamps, and the Liberty Dime
He’d collected them all by the time he turned nine
He collects spiderwebs across old wooden rakes
(no two are the same, they’re just like snowflakes)
He collects signatures that look like chicken scratch
He collects old tube-socks…. but only if they don’t match
He collects Clydesdale horses that are named Buttercup
And spotlights from stages, he sweeps them right up
Horoscopes, but only Taurus and Aries
Hole-in-one golf balls and football Hail Marys
Peach pits and the shell part from your edamame
(They have value to him so don’t throw them away)
Ceiling tiles and various types of pond scum
Even threads off of sweaters and… eww… chewed up gum.
He collects collections, his total’s yet to be seen!
And pronouns from this story, he’s up to nineteen!
But poor Thurston’s been running low on ideas as of late
And if you could help him out that would really be great!
Come up with something brand new for the ol’ chap to collect
(Though he may already have it, I myself haven’t checked)
He has a shelf full of bowling balls and every single type of rimmed hat
He already collects snowman noses, so don’t suggest that
Whatever you pick, write it down then make a copy
Sign your name at the bottom (but make it kind of sloppy)
Somebody you know should have an idea where he can be found
So put the note in an envelope, then just ask around
Something to collect that he hasn’t yet, but should
And I can’t stress this enough… make sure that it’s good
Not simply postcards or flags that are unfurled
But perhaps rings off of Saturn or wonders of the world.