The Duffling Collection

 

“Hurry! Come in! I’m professor VonMiety!

Former ranking member –World Science Society.

 

“I was unfairly banned, even accused of crimes.

Just because my lab blew up a few thousand times.

 

“But is it really fair? To use the word ‘mad’?

My experiments have never gone horribly bad.

 

“They said my work’s something that they don’t believe in!

Makes me want to laugh, maniacally even!

 

“Just because my cyborg ran amuck in Utah.

Aha haha-ha haha-ha ha-ha!

 

“Well I guess that you must have seen my want ad.

I need a new assistant so frightfully bad.

 

“I hope you’re ok working somewhat… on the fringe.

This lab coat should fit you, don’t mind that small singe.

 

“That? That’s my laser-robot-moose-monster: breathing both ice and fire!

Right now more of a moose –lots of parts backordered with the supplier.

 

“Watch your step! That invention melts planets into clouds of cosmic fuzz!

It doesn’t quite work yet, but BOY WHEN IT DOES!

 

“Now it’s time to show you what I have in store,

You’ll work in the skyroom, up these stairs, through this door.

My experiments need power… perhaps… something more,

That’s your mark right over there –that charred place on the floor.

 

“Simply turn this crank during the lightning storm later today,

I’ll monitor closely, just a few rooms away,

I’ll pay whatever you ask, the very next day,

Do we have a deal? Tell me, what do you say?”

with audio by Jordon Hodges

Legend tells of a wise man, two hundred years old

Who lives high on a mountain in the blistering cold

 

Young Tim Tock launched his boat from the Gulf of Fern

And sailed across the whole ocean to see what he could learn

 

After a long voyage and climb up a cold jagged cliff

He found the man’s cabin, just before freezing stiff

 

His knock soon was answered by the wise man himself

And they sat drinking cocoa by an enormous bookshelf

 

“I’ve traveled very far to see what you can teach”

To the bearded old man, Tim earnestly did beseech

 

With his bespectacled eyes and bushy facial hair mane

The wise man got to his feet with the help of his cane

 

Clearing his throat and preparing for the first time to speak

The wise man took a deep breath that caused the floorboards to creak

 

“Strive for a balance in everything that you do

Never own three of something if you only need two

 

“Try not to lie and don’t ever suppose

Don’t bother with any uncomfortable clothes

 

“’Weird kids’ become the most interesting once they grow up

If that file’s really important always save a backup

 

“Speak and write correctly: you can say ‘nee-ther’ or ‘nih-ther’

Never go to bed mad, don’t wake up that way either

 

“If you cross the street in England look left AFTER right

Talking’s the third option, besides fight or flight

 

“Never arrive late, or settle for being mediocre

Don’t draw to an inside straight, if you play a game of poker

 

“And the next time you hear of a person you don’t know

Across a vast ocean, past the cold freezing snow…

 

“High up, far away on a mountain of stone…

Have the good sense to leave him well alone.”

 

 

Mr. Ludwing VanMeyer JoHarker

The world’s greatest carnival barker!

When he’d shout for a show no one’d dare to not go, but that was a lifetime ago

 

JoHarker, Ludwig VanMeyer

With a simple, small-time, sideshow flyer

When the show went live no one cared to arrive (Ludwig was a hundred and five)

 

Little Sally Penelope Long

No audience, but still started her song

Even if no one came she would sing all the same, for there’s more to a song than acclaim

 

Ludwig’s health sadly on the decline

Almost blind but his ears worked just fine

When he heard her sing, he dropped everything, and a tear to his eye she did bring

 

He’d heard nothing quite as glorious

In his entire whole century plus

And he swore it’d be true, that the world would hear too, if it was the last thing that he’d do

 

Over his mouth with his hands he did cup

Striving for that one last ‘step right up’

When he let out his yell, the big top nearly fell! To this day there’s been no parallel

 

Ludwig’s voice like a thunderous bang!

An odd time but the church bells all rang

As his words echoed through, crystal cups shattered too, you could hear him far past Timbuktu!

 

The youngsters, all shocked by the yell

But their grandparents all knew that voice well!

And if Ludwig spoke true, he’d surprised himself too, he still had it but just never knew

 

That was twelve years ago, in Yorktown

And the great Ludwig’s no longer around

But Long’s a name you can see on every marquee, shore to shore and across every sea!

There once was a boy who wasn’t

He traveled just nowhere at all

Though he looked all about there wasn’t a doubt, he saw none of the things that he saw

 

There once lived a girl who didn’t

The things that she did they weren’t done

Though she worked and she strived she never arrived, and her efforts affected no one

 

But you are a person who is

The things that you do will be done

Every move that you make could make the world quake, every battle you fight can be won

with audio by Jordon Hodges

 

This rhyme’s about a monkey, jumping on a trampoline

On a giant bowl of Jell-O colored bright fluorescent green

 

Except he’s not a monkey, and not on a trampoline

He’s actually a tadpole on a Mexican Jumping Bean

 

No wait not a tadpole, this rhyme’s about a shark

Riding a rollercoaster in an undersea theme park

 

But not a rollercoaster, it’s really an aqueduct

2000 or so years ago, that an emperor did construct

 

But it isn’t here on Earth, it’s six trillion miles away

Which is roughly one light-year, as a scientist would say

 

The shark ages in reverse, so before his thirtieth birthday he’ll celebrate his thirty-first

And that’s not at all impossible in a parallel universe

 

Actually no, he’s not a parallel universe residing shark,

He’s a trapeze acrobat and he lives on Noah’s Ark

 

He doesn’t swing on ropes like your average acrobat

He swings to and fro on the tail of a Siamese cat

 

But it doesn’t hurt the cat; she’s made of wires and steel

Spinning through the stars on a cosmic wagon wheel

 

And the acrobat on her tail, is really a famous knight

And they’re co-writing a novel under the pen name Zelda Wright

 

But the aspiring writer knight and his friend the cat robot

Are neither a knight nor cat, when given a second thought…

 

This rhyme’s about a monkey… no wait, we’ve been down that route…

Why don’t you tell me what it is this rhyme is all about?

with audio by Jordon Hodges

 

The sun rose on a man with a shaggy grey beard,

In the middle of a lake on a boat that he steered.

He baited his hook and he cast out with care,

A shame and a blessing that no one was there.

 

That empty lone lake like so many morns before,

He’d never once brought a fish back to his door.

No one else fished that lake, not a soul anywhere,

A shame and a blessing that no one was there.

 

About to pack up, to reel in and head back,

When he felt a strong pull and he heard a great crack,

A fin smacked the water, all he could do was to stare,

A shame and a blessing that no one was there.

 

The fish that he saw, on the end of his line,

Was two and a half feet long, he swore at that time.

He fought all he could, but in the end got nowhere,

A shame and a blessing that no one was there.

 

He rushed home to his wife, to share the great story,

Of the meter long fish in all of its glory.

He spared no detail, ‘bout the fish oh so rare,

A shame and a blessing that no one was there.

 

In town the next day he told all who would listen,

Of the five cubit long whale he’d hooked while out fishin’.

They hung on his words, not a tale could compare,

A shame and a blessing that no one was there.

 

How big that fish is today, well I’m sure I’ve lost track,

I last heard eight yards, told to me two months back.

With each telling it grows, and I say that’s only fair,

A shame and a blessing that no one was there.

 

The Clawtree Manor’s haunted, there’s no denying that.

The first proof that you’d see would be the ghoulish welcome mat.

 

Then the ghostly graveyard gardener, a pale shade of blue,

Would usher you inside with a song on his kazoo.

 

Then Frankenstein’s old monster, as a bit of an icebreaker,

Would offer you a macaroon, he’s really quite the baker.

 

Follow the music upstairs, and the next thing that you’ll see,

Is the ghastly pharmacist with an accordion on his knee.

 

And the ghost of the old Duchess, who’s anything but mean,

Playing along beside him on an ashen tambourine.

 

Just a few steps farther is the spectral zombie beast

Making preparations for the daily potluck feast.

 

Stay and dance a while and be sure to eat your fill

And when the meal is over you can test your Yahtzee skill.

 

With the ghostly pirate captain and his whole ghostly crew

They’d play all evening if you’d like until the night is through.

 

But if you do grow tired of such a classic game,

You can party with the wolfman and they’ll join in all the same.

 

Being bored around the wolfman? Not even a chance.

He’s fond of karaoke and he loves to polka dance.

 

Soon they’ll light a fire and propose some friendly toasts

(They don’t need it to stay warm, but prefer to be good hosts)

 

Every ghoul will gather by the fire with friendly laughs and cheers,

And tell every joke they’ve ever heard dating back a thousand years.

 

The Clawtree Manor’s haunted, of that there’s no denial,

But if I happened to pass by I think I’d stay a while.

 

Tickity-tackety hackety-sackety bouncing woven ball,

Tickity-tackety hackety-sackety never let it fall.

 

Tickity-tackety hackety-sackety for the record bound,

Tickity-tackety hackety-sackety fell upon the ground.

 

Tickity-tackety hackety-sackety nothing more to say,

Tickity-tackety hackety-sackety kept playing anyway.

with audio by Jordon Hodges

 

Pirate ship Blackmast, most feared on the seas,

Most sailors run screaming with trembling knees.

 

Pirate ship Blackmast, with its skull and bones,

Frequents the nightmares even of Davey Jones.

 

Pirate ship Blackmast, sprung a small leak,

We’ll plug the hole with a spare parrot beak.

 

Pirate ship Blackmast, still pretty feared,

Eyepatches, peg legs, an occasional beard.

 

Pirate ship Blackmast, large hole in the deck,

We’ll be moving in no time just give us a sec.

 

Pirate ship Blackmast, still somewhat feared,

Whole bow underwater, ship looks kind of weird.

 

Pirate ship Blackmast, still doing just fine,

Is there any chance you could throw us a line?

 

Dexter Sterling McBeam

Hard at work it would seem

 

Discarded sun visor

Vertical stabilizer

 

Two old feather dusters

Auxiliary thrusters

 

Reentry cruise control

Brown paper towel roll

 

Fuselage airlocks

Empty tissue box

 

Tape up the seams

Keep out space beams

 

Cardboard spacecraft

Friends they, all laughed

 

Space ship, is done

Four, three, two, one…