The Duffling Collection

 

All across the hall a commotion was heard,

At a fancy dinner party on Sunday the third.

 

Mr. Detective, the host, ordered everyone freeze,

The main course was missing: sautéed lamb with chick peas,

 

Mr. Miner said firmly, refusing to budge,

“My hands are so dirty, you would have seen a smudge.”

 

Mr. Mailman swore he didn’t know its whereabouts:

“Wasn’t me, I just got here, been busy with my routes.”

 

Mr. Butler yelled, slamming a fist on his tray,

“Don’t look at me, I’m too big a cliché!”

 

Ms. Doctor just laughed and kicked up her feet,

“I can’t be a suspect, I don’t even eat meat.”

 

Mr. Rancher stuttered, somewhat at a loss,

“Couldn’t be me, I’m allergic to the sauce!”

 

Mr. Detective then spoke as he paced all about,

“The culprit’s in this room, I now have no doubt…”

 

“Messrs. Rancher and Miner and Butler speak truth,

And so does Ms. Doctor, says this seasoned sleuth…”

 

“Mr. Mailman I don’t believe a word that you say,

Explain yourself sir! There’s no mail on Sunday.”

 

The Changwon Chinchilla wondered what he could do,

In a truck on its way to Alliteration Zoo.

 

The Tel Aviv Toucan, wise as a sage,

Offered advice, from a neighboring cage.

 

The Chinchilla, he explained, was so very small,

He could slip though his bars and then climb down the wall.

 

Heeding the advice, the Chinchilla climbed down,

Past Monrovia Muskrat, a dull shade of brown.

Then the Port-au-Prince Peacock, a bright shade of green

And South Leon Lemur –caged up in between…

 

The Arlington Aardvark who sat on a stone,

And Ann Arbor Anteater, in a corner alone.

The Carcar Capybara, looked up from his pen.

A hopeful squawk came from the Hanover Hen.

 

Kalamazoo Kangaroo began to hop up and down,

And the Zanzibar Zebra spun his body around.

 

It was the Halifax Hedgehog, most hopeful of all,

Who cheered a big cheer, when his friend reached the wall…

 

In the back of the truck, high up on a shelf,

The key cabinet stood, alone by itself.

 

Unfortunately for the animals that day,

The door was too heavy, for Chinchilla to sway.

 

But he had one last Idea, before he climbed down,

He went cage to cage, switching tags all around.

 

The Monrovia Muskrat was now from Key West.

The Tel Aviv Toucan was from Budapest.

 

The Zebra’s tag was now Casablanca,

The Lemur’s tag said Colombo (capital of Sri Lanka).

 

The zookeeper climbed aboard, once the truck reached the zoo,

And seeing the tags said, “Well this simply won’t do.”

 

He went to the cabinet and got out the key,

Opened all of the cages, and let them all free.

 

“Tom Swishen, magician, at your service indeed,

Ah, you’ve noticed my jacket of the finest tweed.

I pull rabbits from hats, I can levitate sheep.

Hire me for your party, I’ll make it real cheap.”

 

“Sam Fizzard, the wizard, a pleasure I’m sure.

Just look at my cloak of the finest velour.

Listen to what I tell you, ol’ Tom is a hack.

I’ll make flowers appear, pull a goat from a sack.

I vanish in smoke clouds, with a noise like a bomb,

and I’ll do it all for much cheaper than Tom.”

 

“Sam promised you what? That trick isn’t so hard.

I’ll make doves disappear. Was this your card?

I’ll turn a boulder to licorice, turn one ring to three.

And I’ll tell you what else, I’ll do it all free.”

 

“Poor Tom’s kinda crazy, please cut him some slack.

I’ll make the crowd vanish, then bring them right back.

I’ll freeze a torch cold as winter then melt it like spring.

And if you book me now it won’t cost you a thing.”

 

“Sam’s all washed up, please pay him no mind.

My show is the best deal that you’ll ever find.

I’ll divide numbers by zero, make the word ‘orange’ rhyme,

Saw a snake into twelfths, and move back in time.

Hold onto your horses ladies and gents, if you hire me now, I’ll pay you fifteen cents.”

 

 

“Tom’s nothing but talk; what was his deal? I’ll match it.

I’ll teleport giraffes, fell a mountain with a hatchet.

I’ll turn a thimble to a cruise ship and all kinds of things.

Keep your eye on this ball while I tie up these strings,

Now your watch is gone, ha! The ball was a ruse.

Now the time has come, tell us which one you choose.”

Rumtum the Sailor set off on the sea

As jolly and jovial and kind as can be

 

A storm came a brewing and caught him off guard

He spun round the bow and hit the deck hard

 

He shouted an order and formed him a plan

But nobody heard him, the ship was unmanned!

 

Rumtum the Sailor washed up on the shore

An empty, lone island with naught but one oar.

 

He smiled a big smile and took the oar up

Determined he was to be home before sup

 

With his oar in the water he summoned his might

And the island uprooted, he rowed out of sight.

 

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